wristsneckheart's Journal

Subject:	so then there was this dream...
Time:	4:52 pm.

lately all of my dreams are extrememly far fetched and seemingly have nothing to do with anything. like last night i drempt we were in chicago (when i say we...i mean everyone i hung out with in highschool) and we were eatting at this resteraunt that was extremely hot inside...so we ended up eatting fast and then all of us were supposed to meet at this tattoo shop that i knew about, but when we got there it had moved so we all met at this house for a party, and my parents came...(my mom was smoking a cigarette)...but we ended up not staying because they were IDing people at the door to drink and most of the people with me were not 21. thats really all i remember.

the night before i was at the AllStar game where they sang "Take me out to the ballgame in spanish". where the fuck does my mind come up with this shit??

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Subject:	i wrote more to an old song...
Time:	4:49 pm.

as i sit on the floor with your head in my lap
trying to figure out when it's okay to react
or how we could fix these broken dreams

and my mood's not so good and as stable as the sun
so i won't bother lying, you've already won
i'll just forget how to hold my head high

the exit is open, i'll run if i can
to forget who we were and define who i am
for the failure of a promise
silly me to think we were honest
just turn your head and walk away from me..

you ask an arrogant question of how i'll survive
without letters or pictures or you by my side
and i say my life is better once i left you

my ashes they fall in small flakes of white
like the snow on the ground on this freezing night
and you appear far too choked up to speak

but i refuse to let your pleading and crying
manipulate me into staying and trying...
i'm done trying..

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Subject:	i went to chicago and i'm in love.
Time:	1:45 pm.

i spent the last few days going to a bunch of cities and i'm so tired and jet lagged and my knees hurt from being in a car too long...but its worth it i had fun i haven't had in a while. no joke, frances... you should have come, i had an amazing time and my brother's play was fucking fantastic. my brother and Becca want me to move up there so bad when i go to graduate school. i'm seriously considering it too. that place is amazing.

i went to 2 baseball games while i was there. one in St. Louis one in Chicago. The Cardinals lost both times and the games in bewteen the ones i saw they one. hmmm...am i bad luck?

i was going to call you when i was there. and then decided you might not think it was a good idea. so i didn't. i spent time walking around the city thinking i might run into you. i didn't obviously.

i haven't showered in a couple days. i should...i smell like traveling and cigarettes.

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Subject:	its time to go and i feel sick as fuck.
Time:	4:46 pm.

so i'm leaving to go to St. Louis tomorrow, and everything would be fine except the fact that both keith and i feel sick to our stomachs. we must have some virus. he's been puking i've been pooping a lot. the whole thing just isn't a pretty sight. but hopefully this too will pass and tomorrow we won't be going through this on a plane.
i have a night class tonight. until 10:30pm. lame. oh well....shits gotta get done. i feel like dookie and i don't feel like sitting in class for 4 hours. damn thats a long long time.
what can i do though. nothing.

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Subject:	lazy me.
Time:	12:04 pm.

i swear its possible for you to pull a muscle in your hand from playing video games and i swear that i did. its ridiculous and it hurts like a bitch. not to mention i also somehow pulled something in my back....doing other activities. Last night...i went to a bar with keith at 5pm. we ate something, watched the simpsons, got wasted, got home around 730pm, rolled around for awhile, and passed out. ha...we both woke up at around 2am and watched eachother play tetris on my gameboy. silliness. last night was silliness. the good part is i wasn't hung over this morning because i was hung over in the middle of the night. whatever though. i spent $41 on booze. $41 that i don't have. i need a job. i need a job badly my friends.

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Subject:	am i me without you?
Time:	5:16 pm.

i cleaned out a lot if things at the room at my parents house and i realize that i never throw anything away. and i don't know why. i find all sorts of pictures and letters from old boyfriends proclaiming their love to me and letters from the same boys telling me i'm dead to them. i don't know why i save any of that...but i'm not anymore. thats all thrown away, its the way shit works out.
last night i slept so well. that hasn't happened in a while. but somehow the way you were pressed against me telling you you loved me until i fell asleep made feel so confortable i could have slept forever. i remember a little while ago before any of this had happened when it was all still forbidden... we were laying in a similar fashion and you kept moving closer to me and i asked what you were doing. and you said that you felt like you couldn't get close enough to me with out being inside me. i felt that way last night...i've been feeling that way every night.

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Subject:	nothing better
Time:	5:38 pm.

You: Would someone please call a surgeon
who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart
that's sure deserted for better company

I can't accept that it's over
and I will block the door
like a goalie attending the net
in the third quarter
of a tied game rivalry

so just say how to make it right
and I swear I'll do my best to comply

tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better
than making you my bride and slowly growing old together

Me: I feel I must interject here
you're getting carried away
feeling sorry for yourself
with these revisions and gaps in history

so let me help you remember
I've made charts and graphs
that should finally make it clear
I've prepared a lecture
on why I have to leave

so please back away and let me go

You: I can't my darling; I love you so

tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better
than making you my bride and slowly growing old together.

Me: Don't you feed me lies about some idealistic future
Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures

You: I know that I have made mistakes
and I swear I'll never wrong you again

Me: You've got a lure I can't deny
but you've had your chance
so say goodbye

Say goodbye

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Subject:	and the things we fear the most are coming true.
Time:	9:10 am.

i've been extremely stressed out these past few weeks because of school. and my parents. sometimes i think that they have 2 different personalities, one that is okay with me and one that isn't. but what can you do besides get all stressed and want to punch someone? i need someone to hit. any volunteers?

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Subject:	its friday i'm in love
Time:	10:15 am.

the last few days i've slept 12-14hrs every night. i don't get it. all i want to do is sleep it seems. it gets to be around 7pm and i want to fall asleep. and no matter how much i sleep i want to sleep more. its weird because ususally i don't need more then 6hrs of sleep a night and now im sleeping twice that. During the day i'm alright, i'm not really tired or anything, but once the sun starts to go down so does my body.
its driving me crazy.
i've been doing the bare minimum lately to exist as fas as other things go. i dont do anything fun, i go to class, i eat occasionally and thats it. then i sleep. i need to do something, i'm driving myself insane.

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Subject:	watch me run until my legs are shaking.
Time:	9:37 am.

its very early as far as i'm concerned. i havent woken up this early from my own free will in a while. i wouldn't even call it my own free will because i woke up to take keith to work, but i'm staying up because i want to. i start school today, because it was a good idea to go to summer school....

when i sit here and look around my room at all the pictures and shit that i have on my walls, i realize how many of these people i don't even really talk to anymore. strange. i really need to clean everything and just fucking toss all the things that i dont care about or that i havent touched in 6 months. all this bullshit just takes up space that could be used for other things... (like what? i don't know)

since i'm awake i'm going to take a shower, smoke a cigarette, and read some depressing book that helps me to understand something about myself. thats the plan. then go to class and learn about calculus. ha.

i want to be going to the beach.

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Subject:	another day another hangover.
Time:	12:23 pm.

i feel like poopy. for real. i don't want to be awake, but i am. i tried going back to sleep...that didnt work out. i'm hungry but nauseous. and my stomach burns from too much whiskey. i'm not sure why i always have nights like this the night before i have to work, but i did.

things are stressful lately in every aspect of my life. and honestly after standing on my balcony for awhile thinking about everything...i decided that things are stressful because i make them that way. i'm so so touchy lately and i feel bad for the people who have to deal with it. but now that i know i'm doing this to myself i'm going to try my hardest to change it. because lets face it...i dont want to feel like this. not one fucking bit.

my nail polish is chipping...that shit drives me crazy.

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Subject:	Class Bivalvia
Time:	10:34 pm.

The mollusks class Bivalvia include many species of clams, oysters, mussels, and scallops. Bivalves have shells divided into 2 halves. The 2 parts of the shell are hinged at the mid-dorsal line, and powerful adductor muscles draw the 2 havles together to prtoect the soft bodied animal. When the shell is open, the bilave may extend its hatchet shaped foot for digging or ancoring. The mantle cavity of a Bivalve contains gills that are used for feeding as well as gas exchange. Most bivalves are suspension feeders. They trap food particles in mucus that coats the gills, and cilia then convey the particles to the mouth. Water flows into the mantle cavity through an incurrent siphon, passes over the gills, and then exits the mantle cavity through an excurrent siphon. Bivalves have no distinct head, and the radula has been lost. Being suspension feeders, most bivalves lead rather sedentary lives. Sessile mussels secrete strong threads that tether them to rocks, docks, boats, and the shells of other animals. Clams can pull themselves into the sand or mud, using the muscular foot for an anchor. In addition to digging, scallops can also skitter along the sea floor by flapping their shells, rather like the mechanical false teeth found in novelty shops.

.....and what.

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Subject:	i know i'm unpopular, and i like it that way
Time:	2:35 pm.

i saw ashley albritton last night skating with keith. it was interesting considering i haven't seen that kid since high school basically. he hasn't changed much, he basically just drinks and smokes pot now. other than that he's exactly the same.

it just makes me think about all the other kids i knew in high school or even before that and i wonder what they're all doing now and if they ever think about what i'm doing now. silly silly thoughts. but thats what's on my mind.

i'm still attempting to finish my online driving school. its a huge pain in my ass. but, its better then getting my license taken away. i have my last final tomorrow too. i'm praying for an A. i need an A in something.

damn, when i'm done with finals i get to see the faint. yes, i will be wasted.

"we do what we like, and we like what we do"

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Subject:	ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Time:	12:27 pm.

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Subject:	i dont pretend to be a poet.
Time:	12:16 pm.

Honestly i think i write things to hear what i have to say. i don't think i'm always honest with myself, so when i'm writing things or talking to people i think the truth tends to come out.
good or bad that's what happens. i write how i talk however unintelligent that might sound its the way shit works yo.

frances left to go back up to tally besically for like 5 days because she'll be back for the summer on saturday. too bad she gets to miss the faint. it'd be so rad with her there too...drunken dancing, thats what its about.

as of the moment i'm in the computer lab doing my online driving course. i seriously can't do it at my own house, i've tried. its due in 2 days, so i'm trying my hardest to get the shit done. we'll see how it goes though, i think i have 9 more chapters.... (great).

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Subject:	this is all for you
Time:	10:19 pm.

you need to be down here all the time so we can just be wastes of space, enjoying eachother's company and not caring about anything else. That's what needs to happen.

(good stuff) so i wrote a paper today that i've been putting off...since the beginning of time. and that made me feel wonderful. When i do shit that i've been putting of it seems to set a whole new mood for my productiveness. i feel like i want to do all the stuff that i need to do and study for every test i have and clean my room and my car and balance my checkbook and make appointments i need to (like the goddamn dentist) and do all the things my mom asks if i've done on a daily basis it seems.

(bad stuff) but i tell what sucks..the fact that this feeling won't last the night, and tomorrow morning i'm going to wake up tired and grumpy and will want to do nothing but stay in bed all day.

but such is the life of a crazy girl. you need to get down here and cure me.

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Subject:	bottle up and explode...over...and...over.
Time:	2:54 pm.

everything is draining. i've been trying desperately to clean my room and it seems that i look for a thousand and one excuses to not be. (for instance..writing on this thing). i even tried to teach myself to juggle...i got over that quick. keith always is juggling shit around my room and it makes me fucking jealous. it takes time and patience. 2 things i'm fresh out of at the moment.

on the plus side...i think i've figured out why i do the retarded things that i do. i'm not going to go into details because lets face it some stuff has to be private. but i think i have a handle it. even if i do have to take crazy pills the rest of my life.

i've cleaned all the beer bottles out of my room. there was 2 garbage bags full. this is my life.

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Subject:	its all about the tingles
Time:	9:46 pm.

i realized that i stopped writing in this thing. Half because i didn't think people read it and half because i'm never home. but someone telling me they liked what i had to say made me decide to write again (yes, it was you.)

school is almost over with. ::sigh:: too bad i'm going to summer school...so do i really get a break, no. but breaks are over rated and maybe i need to keep busy for sanity's sake.

i'm seriously never at home. i probably spend about 10 hours a week in my appartment. and thats a seriously small amount of time considering the amount i pay for it. but it doesn't really feel like home anymore. Home is where the heart is and i'll tell you that my heart isn't here. it just seems so desolate here like its been captured in time and no matter how many days go by it remains the same. my cello has dust and there are enough empty bottles of booze to cause concern in some people.

its only 10pm. but the bed is calling me. i need to lay down and shut my mind off for awhile...if thats even possible.

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Subject:	its not the end...its just inconvinece
Time:	1:08 am.

those times when you need to sleep and can't are the worst. i'm bored and lonely. and the one thing i need to be doing i can't. its driving me crazy. the worst is that what i need to be up for tomorrow isn't even something i want to be doing. i'm just cranky knowing i'm going to be tired tomorrow...its pretty pointless now that i think of it actually.

you came and i was crazy for you and you cooled my mind that burned with longing.

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